The tide is turning

Sometimes it is so hard to see beyond the fog. Life can become so thick with activity and in my case - injuries - its been hard to see the end goal through the misty haze. You seem to get over one thing, and then you get hit with something else. Not sure why this happens, it's not like I've been asking for it, but somehow and with some gentle coaxing from friends I've come to realise that things are happening for a reason - and that reason is to get every reason out of the way so when I do get into the thick of training, there is nothing reason left to get in my way. 

I've been really focusing on keeping a healthy diet with a few relaxed eating days. And whilst there have been days where I've been missing training, I'm still getting out and doing what I can when I can. I'm still only at 2 x 25min walks but my cycling is definitely getting better. Still nowhere near where I was but I've started to notice that my legs are feeling stronger. I've noticed it more so in my windtrainer sets with Sparta. My cadence is getting better at staying up around 90 during race pace sets, and I've been feeling less fatigued when having to hold the hard slower cadence of 60. It's not to say it doesn't hurt, but it is definitely starting to feel slightly more manageable, much to my delight.

The one thing that my body has been struggling with alot is muscular tightness. Quite badly. I'm stretching and foam rolling but its not feeling any better. Maybe over time, the tightness will subside with regular stretching. I've especially noticed it in my back and had to go and pay yet another visit to my physio for them to work on it as the spasm was so bad I was in an awful lot of pain. So now the foam roller is my best friend with regular backward stretching on it to help alleviate the tightness. You should hear the cracking going on in there - its like listening to a bowl of Rice Bubbles.

But on the up side - my stupid little tough is behaving, and it only hurts when I knock it. I'm still regularly taking my Calcium and Vit D tablets so I'm hoping its all helping to heal it up, not that I'm expecting miracles. But, if there is any improvement, which there is - I'm happy. They still haven't found a reason for my Osteopenia but are in the process of trying to find an answer. And being the ever impatient me, I want the answers now so I know what I'm dealing with. But it doesn't seem I will get answers anytime soon, not going back to see the specialist now for another 5 weeks - ughhhhh. Just have to stay focused on doing my  exercises and time will go past quickly.

I have a fun activity which I am doing with 7 other friends in 10 days. We are doing a 24hr Megaswim in aid of people with Multiple Sclerosis. Can't wait actually - I've never swum in the wee small hours of the morning, and I haven't done it with a bunch of friends either. So to share this experience with them for such a great cause will be absolutely amazing indeed. We are almost at our goal of $1000 - and would love it if you could help our cause and team "Stay Afloat". If you would like to donate click HERE. Every dollar is helpful and I know you will be helping those with MS live an easier life. 

So that's it for this small blog post. Thanks for joining me on my journey to Ironman Port Macquarie 2014. It's going to be a crazy roller coaster of a ride.

Harden up princess.

Literally. Seems there has been a reason this whole time for my inability to get my legs and body in running mode. Ive never know anyone - well atleast since starting in this Triathlon world who has had as many tormenting down days as me. Seems I take a few promising forward steps and then my body for whatever reason chose to make me stop dead in my tracks more times than I would like to count.

So when I decided to stupidly fracture and dislocate my toe ten days after coming out of my boot I decided it was high time that things get checked out properly, once and for all. Cant tell you how sick and tired of having bone pain Ive been. Ive had more scans than I would like to count and if I could glow radioactively, I would. So when I finally insisted on having a Bone Density Scan I think the GP was slightly put out by a 39yr requesting a scan that is normally reserved for the older population.

Well, fast forward a few days and the results came in. "Significantly low Bone Mineral Density". So much so that my spine resembles that of a wee little old lady. Good thing though that my neck of the femur was preserved due to my running - well there's a positive. It seems that all of this is whats making everything go awry. I knew there had to be a reason for all of this garbage happening, couldnt just be bad luck. Ive listened to my trainer, done everything by the book and NOW here was the answer I'd been looking for. Whilst you never want something to be wrong with your body, it was good that I finally had an answer, and now I could move forward in getting things right again.

I'm not expecting that it's going to be an easy fix. From speaking to the Sports Doc, he did say that it could take a few years to right the wrong in my spine - and it may never be equivalent to my prospective age. But if I can atleast get it to a 10yr proximity versus a 20-30yr distance which is where I'm at now - Id be stoked. So here's to Calcium rich foods (non-dairy related) and my Calcium and Vitamin D supplements to get me back on track. Im going to conquer this, just another thing in the life of Barb. And with the help of another specialist to see if it's all hormonally related - I should be right as rain - or atleast on track to getting me to my big goal.

And so here it is.

May 4th next year Im coming back to do it. I have to get this off my back and I will. When I signed up I got that flutter in my belly again of excitement and trepidation. I don't want to sign up and not compete again. And whilst I love spectating and supporting, I want next year to be my year. I really think I deserve it. I'm going to give it my best crack and be super cautious in my training using everything I have available to be to get me there in one piece. Even if it means wrapping myself in bubble wrap.

Well enough of me. Yesterday a few friends of mine competed in The Northface 100 and 50. OMG, talk about hard. I don't even think the word hard comes even remotely close to what my inspirational friends accomplished yesterday. 

photo - Lyndon Marceau

For those of you who don't know about this race - check out the website here - The North Face 100. It is without a doubt one of the hardest UltraMarathon's ever. And I have friends who are brave and strong enough to do it. You all inspire me without a doubt and make me realise that anything is possible, you just have to want it bad enough. Your mental strength is something that I admire and strive to have. And if I can have an itsy bitsy little bit of what you all have - I'd be stoked. Congratulations on accomplishing the hardest race ever and now time to rest those legs. You have earnt every bit of pampering that is coming your way.

YOU GUYS ROCK.

Anyone got a roll?

Of bubble wrap that is. Seems I need it in surplus of late. I can't seem to keep from hurting myself and it's becoming a bit of a joke. Last Wednesday I decided to add insult to injury by fracturing and dislocating my left little toe at the vets. A stupid accident but nonetheless it has put me out for another few weeks of healing time. So those first few tentative walking steps I took a week or so ago have now come to a grinding holt - yet again. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about it, and as a close friend said to me "maybe it's life's way of making 100% sure that the leg that just came out of the boot gets a bit more rest time", thanks Mel. I think your right too.

So I'm not going to sit here and sulk - I think I have done enough of that. I'm going to just get on with it and work again on my strength - SWIMMING. If I thought I was getting stronger before - I now have renewed motivation to want to get even stronger. Maybe this is the universes way of telling me to keep my eye's on my goal "Aussi Masters Games in October". Maybe I got slightly sidetracked as soon as I was told I could walk and ride again and I needed a slight reminder of how important this was to me. So it's time to get cracking with 5 months to go.

I have a few goals I would like to meet at these games. One is to crack the sub 30 secs barrier for my 50m Freestyle. Secondly I want to hit sub 34 secs for my 50m Backstroke. I would also like to try and get a sub 1:10 for my 100m Freestyle and try for a 10:30-11 min for my 800m Freestyle. Not sure if achievable but I sure am going to give it my everything. Of that I can assure you.

Anyways, on the weekend was Ironman Australia at Port Macquarie. It was the one I was meant to be participating in before all went wrong. And whilst I was slightly hesitant to say the least about going (not sure how I feel about not being in that water for the start), I'm really quite glad I went. It just added fuel to the fire that was brewing. Second time lucky for next year. It was such a buzz watching all of my team mates compete. I not only swam with them, I rode with them and ran with them in spirit on Sunday. I yelled till I couldn't yell anymore and walked till my little toe couldn't walk anymore. But one things for sure - I didn't feel at all devastated, it was just what I needed. My club, Panthers Tri Club, has awesome competitors and fantastic family members supporting them. To those who completed yet another Ironman, completed their first or smashed it up and got PB's - you are all my INSPIRATION. I want to be like you all when I grow up. And I look forward to crossing that finish line and experiencing that HIGH next year with you all....

At the start line something completely amazing/magical happened. Out of 1602 competitors that took to the water there at Port Macquarie - I made eye contact with one sole competitor and smiled and wished her luck. I don't know why out of everyone there that I chose her to smile to but it just happened. She proceeded to stand up - lift her goggles off her eyes and say "Barbie? I've been reading your blog. Im going to do this for you today!". Needless to say I burst into tears, and my husband Stephen had tears in his eyes too. If I could have jumped into the water and given her a cuddle I would have but before I could show her just how much that meant to me - off went the siren and she was gone. All day I searched to see her face out on the course so not sure how she went but if you are reading this - please let me know how you went and know that you really did make my day. I hope you got that medal and are wearing it super proudly. You deserve it.

This weekend was also super special because IM day was also my husbands 50th. The night before we went out with a whole bunch of our close friends to celebrate and we had an AWESOME time. Thankyou to everyone for sharing in it - I know how much it meant to Stephen. And thankyou to everyone on Sunday who wished him Happy Birthday - he felt really special. I will never forget this weekend as long as I live.

I'll be back Port. Don't you forget my face.  Because when I reach that start line -

 I wont be stopping till I'm done.

I think

Yeah, I know, hard to believe - Barb thinks. But contrary to popular belief - Barb thinks alot. Mind is continually active in search of new things, new goals, new ideas, new dreams. But the one thing that has never required alot of thinking as it has just remained a part of who I am since falling upon this wonderful sport, is that I LOVE TRIATHLONS. Everything about it - literally makes me smile. And whilst it's not been the most injury free of sports I could have chosen, it is the sport which challenges me in every conceivable way.

I've never really thought about why it is I love it so much. But I'm sure if I had to write a list - it would be humongous. But the one thing that sticks out the most is the friendships I have made. Never have they failed to support and encourage me in my quest to want to do better. And for that I am truly thankful. So it's with that in mind, over the last few weeks I have started to mingle with the idea again of trying to reach the goal i had set last year.

Port Macquarie IM.

Yeah, I know I know. I know I said I wouldn't try again to reach it as I am sick of trying to get this running thing happening. But much like an ember which has stayed alight after the blaze of a bush fire has settled, so too has my dream of becoming an Ironman. I can't let it go. It has literally been burning a whole in my psyche since being told I couldn't participate in it this year. And so in true Barbara fashion - I shall go back and conquer my dream. 

Only this time, the difference is that my running will take the major focus. Not that it hasn't before - but it is going to be slow and completely focused on keeping my lower limbs happy. Even if that means the majority of my training is walking, then so be it. I'm going to make this happen if it's the last thing I do. I'm not one to give up on my dreams and this has been one of mine since I did my first 70.3 in 2011. So I will get there - just watch me.

So yesterday I did my first ride on the road. Now don't get all excited - leave that to me :) It was only 24km but it was the best 24km of my life. Check out the ridiculous grin.

I'm surprised I dont have any bugs in my teeth from grinning. I just couldn't stop. I felt so free on that bike. Mind you my undercarriage was saying something completely different. But the good thing was that my foot has pulled up fine. Just tight this morning but that is nothing new, just have to keep stretching and seeing my physio. Can't wait to see what my next 12 months have in store for me. The possibilities are endless. But for now, Im just excited as hell to be able to do fun things and to write again on my blog.

To dream

Do you ever dream?

Not the kind of dream where you close your eyes and drift off into the land of nod and allow your uncontrolled brain to run wild. But the kind of dream where you are wide awake and you forcefully imagine every last minute detail of what that encounter will be like? Where if given the chance to make it come to life just as you had imagined you would jump at the chance in a heartbeat?

For the last however many weeks since my injury I have been dreaming. Dreaming with EYES WIDE OPEN for that moment where I would be able to walk those first cautiously tentative steps towards my dream again. I have yearned to be a part of a community again which has given me so much. 

So when Steve my physio said that I could do a walk, let me tell you - I think I gave him the biggest cuddle ever. It really was like all my Christmas' had come at once. Ive been waiting for those words for ages. And it almost felt as though those words would never come. But here they are!!!! I am able to walk.

So yesterday - I took the opportunity whilst the sun was shining to go for my walk. The sun shone about as brightly as my smile. And if I had of been on my own during this walk I still think I would have smiled as brightly albeit it would have looked slightly weird. But instead - I went on my first glorious walk with my beautiful daughter. It couldn't have been any better if I tried. We had the best time, a great mother/daughter bonding session. And there was a little competitiveness that came out in us both with some unsuspecting male walkers. It was so funny - our goal was to stay ahead of them for the entire walk - however, right at the very end they took a short cut and beat us to the finish line. Somehow I think they may have known we were trying to beat them or MAYBE they were trying to beat us. Either way, a little healthy competition never hurt anyone :) I might just clarify here though that it wasn't a fast walk either. And this morning I feel great.

The only feelings I have this morning reminding me that I walked yesterday are tight back muscles and a blister on the back of my right foot. And you know what? Im happy that I have that tiny blister. It means that I have done something that required a little effort :) and whilst it was the best walk ever, I was slightly out of my comfort zone and I didn't realise how unfit I had become. Seems like only yesterday I was able to run a full 21km and still do a full days worth of other stuff around it all. 

That day will come again. I know it.

Till then I will embrace this journey with both hands and look forward to my next walk.

One way, or another.

Ever since hearing this song on the radio by One Direction - thanks to my daughter, these words have stuck in my mind. And one way or another I have had to learn that I can still do and train for my dream - it was just going to have to be ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

When I heard the news that I wasn't able to compete in IMOZ, I was completely devastated. I got so down in the dumps and wondered why me, again, this sucks, I give up, Im over it. Just felt like another low blow. When I finally got over myself - I realised that there were still so many opportunities that I had in front of me. And it was unfair to me to allow them to float on by without grabbing them and using them to my advantage. After all - how many people out there who are in far worse conditions than mine make the most of their situation and succeed regardless of their physical limitations. I was acting like an absolute spoilt twit. One way or another they used their limitations to enhance the things they were able to do - and I had to take a leaf out of their book.

One way or another - is now my motto. I have shown myself that I dont need my feet to help me swim - I can swim without them AND Im getting stronger. I have also shown myself that whilst I can't ride and run - I can continue with my strength and conditioning classes and smash out quality sessions. But most of all - I have proven to myself mentally - that there is no barrier I cannot overcome only that which is self imposed. One way or another - everything is attainable - you just have to change your mindset.

I proved this to myself in the water the other day and did my first 800m TT with a pullbouy and band and was quite happy - ACTUALLY ECSTATIC that I did it in about 12mins. Give or take a few seconds as I timed myself off of the wall clock. One way or another I am making my swim dream happen. And once this romper stomper boot comes off - I know I will do it in under 12mins. I can feel it in my bones - and no it's not my arthritis talking. :)

I just had the best feeling in the water. The one where you just feel like you can keep swimming because all of a sudden you have found that groove. The one where all of a sudden you can feel the water caressing every inch of your body and your using it to your advantage. Im excited because whilst Im holding a comfortable 1:30/100m with my feet all tied up, the thought of being able to hold sub 1:30's comfortably once my feet are in the mix is really really exciting. 

I cant wait. Lets see what the following week will hold in the pool.

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER - I'M GONNA GET THERE.

Swimming my heart out

I read those words above and something deep within becomes ignited. When I was younger, whilst I was (most mornings) coaxed into the water by my Mum because I was a whinger, once there I felt such a sense of freedom. I looked forward to getting in the lane with my brothers and trying to keep up. I loved the fact that I was given the opportunity to try and prove what I was capable of everytime I got in the water for a race. And whilst the hours and kilometres of training were sometimes (most times) more than I wanted as a kid, now as an adult I am loving it and look forward to getting down to the pool and proving to myself yet again - that I have what it takes.

Now when I say "have what it takes"....... it's not to try and win BUT it is to try and tell myself that no matter how I go or what the outcome ..... I gave it my all and I worked my toosh off for the best possible outcome for me. This is for me and no-one else. For every goal that I conquer regardless of it's size, I have gone one step forward to feeling proud of the person I am. 

Now when I get in the water I feel such a sense of freedom. It really does feel so beautiful for me to just go up and down a lane at the pool. Whether it be a nice easy recovery swim or some flat out hard sessions - I find something about each and everyone of those sessions to be thankful for. Whether it be the fact that my stroke count is improving, times are getting faster, stroke is getting longer and more effective or just that for that very moment I got to do something that I love - for me - swimming at this point has become my life (aside from family and friends of course).

Every week I have been challenged since getting the boot from physio. Which has meant that all of my swim sets have been with pullbouy and band. And whilst it's been tough to say the least I have been really excited at finishing each of my sets. I have perfected the art of doing fly, backstroke and breatsroke completely leg free and I can feel my arms getting heaps stronger. Now when I do a stroke I can feel it has intention. Love it. Last week I even clocked up 16kms worth of swimming. Havent done anything like that - SINCE FOREVER. And I feel really proud of myself.

Ive even signed up for the Aussi Masters in Geelong in October. Ive signed up for 6 races - 50 & 100 Frs, 50 & 100 & 200 Bks and the 800m Frs. How exciting. It's going to feel like the good old days when I was doing Metrops, State and Nationals. So it's time to get my training face on and go conquer my goal. Time to work hard in the water and smash my strength and conditioning sets. Time to get focused and have tunnel vision. I want to try and hit a sub 30 secs for my 50 Frs and try to beat my time of 34 secs for my 50 Back. Here's to giving it a good hard crack. Yeeha.

Im going to swim for me, for the little swimmer inside of me. For the girl who gave up on herself many years ago. Im going to make me proud.